Have you struggled with reconciling messages you have received from culture, your faith community, family or friends, or the media with what your intuition is saying to you? Do you feel conflicted about who to believe: the “experts” or yourself?
I understand your struggle. Wrestling with these issues started me on a path that eventually led to my spiritual awakening.
My story begins with inner conflicts and questions.
I worshipped in the Roman Catholic Christian tradition as a child and in the Protestant tradition as an adult. What these religions and the Bible taught me hasn’t necessarily fit with what I’ve intuitively believed. I’ve been trying to reconcile information from “external expert sources” with my own “inner knowing” my whole life.
At various points throughout my life I felt either abandoned by God or unworthy of receiving God’s love. This belief was reinforced every time I spoke these words before receiving the Eucharist: “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.”
Saying these words didn’t feel right to me. Why would God create us if God didn’t think we were worthy of being loved?
If what I was taught was true—if God is omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent, in control of everything, and loves me so much—why would God allow violence and abuse? Why would God allow traumatic things to happen to innocent people? Why would God allow so much pain and suffering?
After pondering these things for many years, in 2003 I attended a Christian retreat.
It shifted my entire perspective and became a defining moment in my life.
At this retreat, I noticed stained glass lamps hanging above the tables, some with broken panes of glass. Each lamp was covered in a thick layer of dust and neglect that obscured its beauty.
I thought, “Wow! These lamps are so beautiful! Why haven’t they been maintained?” In a moment of clarity, I realized that I felt like the outside of those stained glass lamps—broken, dusty, and unloved.
During this revelation, I felt tingling above my head as a spiritual energy began moving over me. It moved through and opened my brow, throat, heart, and stomach, which I didn’t even know were closed.
As this happened I realized that God saw me as the inside of that stained glass lamp, where no dust had accumulated. I may have felt broken, but I was not broken. That stained glass lamp, just like my soul, was waiting for the light to be turned on so that it could shine its beauty on everything around it.
I began to weep when we gathered to receive the Eucharist. My anguished sobs didn’t even sound like they came from me. All the sadness that accumulated over years of repeating, “I am not worthy to receive you” were being released from the depths of my soul.
Just as the Eucharist was offered to me, I became so weak I needed to lie down. Spiritual energy continued to move throughout the lower part of my body. I was encouraged to release whatever I was holding. Then, the movement stopped and I was able to stand up.
Through this experience, it was as though God said to me, “You are worthy of receiving my love.” I felt a sense of profound joy and peace that I had never felt before. When people looked at me, they said, “You should see the look of peace on your face…you are glowing!”
I was a new person! I had a new lease on life. And then I wondered, “What just happened to me?”
My search for more answers then led me on a 12-year journey to understand how the Holy Spirit heals us and how I could facilitate healing in others. Read more.
My spiritual awakening and subsequent studies have all led me to this moment, with you reading these words.
I’m here to support your spiritual journey.
If you feel conflicted about your beliefs and what you know to be true for yourself, I can relate to your disillusionment. Or if you’ve had a mystical experience and want to process it with someone, I will be a non-judgmental listening presence that will honor your inner knowing.
Schedule a Discovery Session with me today and let’s begin exploring your spiritual truths.
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